SO YOU’VE made a sex tape. Let me be the first to say “I tremble in awe at your overwhelming alpha male-ness”.
Now for the bad news: a sex tape is like having your own personal Octomom… it’s weirder than you initially thought, it’s intriguing to watch, and it can pop out more copies. The last thing you want to do is give any dude the option of “making stomach pancakes” to an online video of yourself, not to mention the fact that no girl is going to touch a guy who has literally gone viral. Of course, this shouldn’t deter you from getting out your phone, hitting the record button. So unleash your inner Spielberg and take a crash course in sex-taping 101 – cause the only red carpet you want to be going down is her’s.
Rule 1: Technology is not your Friend
Have you ever watched porn in HD? If not, let me assure you that erotica was not meant to be a1080p experience. Some porn stars refuse to be shot in HD, and these people do it on camera for a living, so what makes you think that you’ll look anything less than ridiculous on your flatscreen. New video cameras are mostly flash drive based which is dangerous considering the ease with which the video can be transferred, copied, and posted on sites like youporn or xvideos. Stick with an old MiniDV camcorder, and not only will it take some serious effort for someone with malintent to digitize it, but you won’t have to see every excruciating detail in future screenings.
Rule 2: One is the Loneliest Number
This is the simplest but perhaps the most important rule in making a sex tape; never, I repeat NEVER make a copy. Unless you are a socialite with daddy issues, a rock star, or a D-list reality television celebrity desperately clinging onto a moment in time when they were more socially relevant, a sex tape is not going to be beneficial for your career… and by career I mean the possibility of ever getting laid again. The world is a dangerous place; you’ve got vengeful ex’s, friends who love pranks,and coitus connoisseurs just itching for their next hit of amateur x-rated recordings. All of whom are one click away from forcefully inserting you into a new profession. And while your first instinct may be to shout “Everyone look at me, I just had sex, and taped it!!” from a mountain top, or fashion a rudimentary sex tape parade in your honor, these public displays will backfire worse than an ill-advised experimentation with anal beads.
Rule 3: Butter Face
The epic fail of the Butter Face plays out like a Shakespearean tragedy. Boy gets drunk, boy meets girl with slammin’ body, girl sleeps with drunk boy, boy wakes up only to realize that his copulatory concubine is an 8 from the neck down, and a double bagger from the neck up – one bag on her face and one on yours in case hers falls off. There are two lessons that we can learn from this tale of woe and horror; 1. Stock up on bags, because you’re probably going to keep check-mating the occasional harpy, plus doggy style was invented for the butter face, and 2. If you never see her face then she remains as hot as her boobs will let her. While certainly taking some of the fun out of you’re silver screen sexin’, if you never show either of your faces then deniability is yours.
Rule 4: The Best Rule Everrrrrr!
Mix 1 part American Pyscho with 2 parts Game Theory and infinity parts Awesome, and you will have constructed your very own Light saber of studliness. Here’s how I see it: If you make a sex tape with a girl and you break up, one of you is going to be in possession of said sex tape, and if the break up went poorly who knows what could happen to it. If the sex tape is of you having a “Holy crap I can’t believe this is actually happening” threesome with her and her best friend then you can sit back comfortably with the knowledge that the only way it could possibly make its way onto the public forum is if you wanted it to. You have all the power. You also owe it to the rest of mankind to tell us how you managed to pull it off.